Time, Dates & Carlos

I write this post in recognition that it is completely about time. First, I haven't posted in this thing in a while. Second, this date, September 23rd, is what brought me back to my instinct - writing. Third, both of these things wouldn't quite be possible without the existence and support of a wonderful human, whom I met in 2008.

Fate or luck (or shitty vodka, trauma and volleyball) brought me and D together. She is my family, my judge free zone, my instinct and ultimately a piece of me. A really funny, pretty piece of me. Early in our friendship, I wrote the piece below, "Carlos" inspired by her brother. I have always told her that if I were to write it again it would be different because I know her so much better now.

I have tried to write this piece over. A few times. Yes, I have found better imagery and sure line breaks could be moved. But essentially I have found that my instinct towards Carlos has changed as I have come to know the people who love him in a very close way. I want to celebrate him. I want to honor him and I want to write something that his sister wants to read.

Grief, the platform of the piece below was an easy thing to capture. It is raw and intangible but I could see it. I never met Carlos, but I'd like to think I know his spirit. I'd also like to think I'd call him my brother, as D does mine. This is all a very long way of saying that someday, I will find the words for him, and for D. Until then, here is an old piece that brings me a lot of reflection on time, dates, a really great friend and Carlos. Feliz cumpleanos Carlos!

Carlos

There was once another member of this family, says
the empty placemat at the dinner table; he was loved
too says the fridge with his old report cards and dreams
on it. He was the oldest child says the dusted baby picture
in the front entrance. This was not supposed to happen
says his college acceptance letters, untouched on his desk.

His mother doesn’t believe he’s gone sometimes, says the

slug trail tear stains on her face.

His sister would take his place says the wish she makes

blowing out birthday candles every year.

Things I Recently (Re) Learned

1. conversations and honesty cannot fix everything

2. scallops are delicious

3. don't get caught in the middle. don't chose sides.

4. things fall

5. you don't need a tragedy to have your priorities straight

6. your gut feeling > rationality

7. my father is not super man

8. being empathetic is my best and worst quality

9. webinars are fucking stupid

10. solitude is underrated

11. when all else fails..laugh

12. it is imperative, that you are happy for others moving on. even if it's without you

i know i'm your stepping stone

I am your right now. I am your armrest and your always. your batting glove and punching bag. I am your hangnail. I am your list maker. your cherry blossom. your secret. and i am all of these things temporarily. and i am ok with that because i know i'm your stepping stone. I know you will never love me.

 

 

because time is everything we do and do not have, i wont be wasteful with right now. i wont over think it, i wont fight it. i will instead mean it and i will water it. i will call you panda and you will call me mouse. we will get dressed up and go to dinner. we will hold hands at the zoo. we will make up drinking games on lazy sundays and wrestle naked. we will replicate the shit out of love, with no thought of forever. we will care and lust and like. but never love.

 

you will remember me as your favorite pen. the one you reached for when turning your words into drawings. i will remember you as my bookmark. the one that kept my place when all i'd ever sorted through was inconsistency.

someday i won't think of you when i see whiskey stones. and someday you'll forget i picked out your couch.

that's not to say it won't hurt like hell to unlearn you. but that's not to say we ever loved.





 

mind your own leggings.

Today, a beloved coworker of mine pulled me into her office. This made me nervous, there were a few different avenues this conversation could lead me down but i knew it wasn't the fun loving nature she and I usually share.

I shut the door and sat down.

"I'm only telling you this because someone once told me this...." she started. "I think your leggings are too sexy".

The highlights of this conversation are as follows. I was told men look at me in the office. And I was described having a full body.

This conversation hilariously and ironically comes at a time where middle and highschools around the US are banning leggings and yoga pants for young girls because they are distracting young boys. And that folks, is how you teach a 12 year old that she carries responsibility for young boys not being taught how to respect a classmate. It inculcates the idea that young boys, or men as a whole have no self control, it excuses them, they just can't help themselves-so women must play some mental gymnastic game on how not to be victimized. And then if you are a victim, you are blamed.

Back inside my co-workers office. I sat, I listened and I didn't say a word. When she was done speaking, I nodded my head and went back to my desk.

I just wonder if it ever crossed her mind to pull the men who she says look at me into her office. Have a closed room discussion and put the spotlight on them and their wandering eyes. Tell them it doesn't matter if i'm wearing leggings or a brown paper bag, respect is a minimum. Not just because we are co-workers and sharing this space for 40 fucking hours a week, but because i'm human. What if she asked these men with wives and daughters how they would feel is someone looked at them the way they do at me.

I'm quite sure that conversation never crossed her mind. Because nobody had THAT conversation with her.

There are obvious other issues here. I won't go into the full bodied bullshit. Or the fact that this co-worker is someone who i've come to on many occassions about being harrassed by our shuttle bus driver. I just think there needs to be a mindshift switch when it comes to responsibility and expectations and teaching and learning-to gender issues specifically yes, but just in humanity.

And with that I say, have a good weekend. And mind your own damn leggings.

16 Rand

Somewhere on Main Road in Cape Town, South Africa

There is a man

He is Cadbury’s milk chocolate

He is a free mint when leaving a restaurant

He is a hand shake turned hug

He missing his over sized wooden rosary

He has never missed God

He is the light through stained glass windows

He is a 2 dollar bill- to him only 16 rand, but to me

A treasure slipped in every Christmas card from my grandparents

He is a gift

He is a boundary hugger

He is an oxymoron

He is an isosceles triangle

He is I before E except after C

He was mine

And we were easy somewhere on Main Road in Cape Town, South Africa

Where our first and third world fingers met

As post apartheid's freedom song

guilt

when i do things like this...when i try to walk before i can crawl. when i crumple rationality and put it with all my old reciepts. when i expect different out comes from worn down actions. when all that's left is "i'm sorry" and an hour glass. when i do things like this...i want to be invisible. i want to translate all of the knots in my stomach to french, just to make my guilt sound beautiful. i could skip bags and bags of rocks into the Pacific. then maybe i'll feel less heavy. then maybe i can see the gift of goodbyes.

show up

i'm willing to give you the most crucial piece of my pride's Jenga tower
but you have to pick up a mirror
and get your lips off my backbone

i'm willing to build you into my patterns
as long as you admit i'm your stepping stone
and still hold me in your strong flower arms

i am willing to take the helmet off my pledge organ
if you share your pistachios and red wine
your instincts and dust bunnies

i am willing to show you every laugh line and suicidal tear
but you have to make room for me in your mirror
and kiss my backbone

i am willing to be
but you have to show up